It's been a while

So... yeah. It's not that I don't love you. I just kinda ran out of things to say, that I hadn't already said over and over. It's okay though. I can tell we are the type of friends that can go months without contact and just pick up where we left off like nothing ever happened. It happens a lot to grown-ups, I've discovered.

You get sidetracked. Life gets in the way. Things are busy. There's this family thing. And the next thing you know it's been 4 months.

But I've missed you! We should totally get a cup of coffee sometime. You know when someone else is watching the kids and we have time to talk. ... I can't think of when that might be either. So I guess we can stick to the blog.

Life happens. Schedules change. Stuff gets in the way. It's easy to let fitness and health decisions to lapse first. I know, you should see what I've been eating lately.

A month ago we moved, only about 10 minutes from our 'old' house. So to save money we decided we could totally do it ourselves. It worked a bit like a Crossfit WOD. It looked good on paper. Right before, I panicked. During, I didn't have time to worry about, I had too much to do. Once it was over, it didn't seem so bad. And I was grateful that I had been doing Crossfit, those boxes, couches and mattresses were heavy, but I managed my half. So much so that when our new neighbor asked if we needed any help, while we were carrying a heavy hutch, my husband said, "No, we got it. Thanks!"

Hmmm, Crossfit might be backfiring on me.

But during the few weeks it took to do it ourselves, we didn't have time for Crossfit. By the time it was meal time, we were too tired to cook. In fact, we were just plain ol' wore out. So it was fast food and pizza, which we all know are just gateway foods to cookies, cakes and candy.

So our healthy lifestyle has all fallen apart. No exercise, icky food. It's a mess.

It happens.

It just means we have to get back at it. Life gets in the way of your best laid plans. It doesn't mean you quit. So long as you don't quit. Time to get back at it. Even with the holidays. No reason not to start back today.

Mad Men Tricks

I started watching Mad Men last night. I'm a little late to the game, I know, but there was something I noticed right away that I feel the need to point out.

Ad people are trickesters.

It isn't new knowledge. We all know that commercials and ads are designed to get us to buy the products they are peddling. But the first episode of Mad Men shows exactly how much they can't be trusted. Spoilers ahead if you haven't seen it.

In this episode, smoking had been outed as causing cancer. (Common knowledge now, but in the 60s when 'everyone' smoked, it was ground breaking.) The ad guy and the cigarette company is in a panic because they are about to lose business, and suddenly they aren't allowed to promote smoking as being healthy.

Enter the tricks. How can big tabacco convince the buying public that their product is safe, even if it isn't? They decide to by pass saying it's healthy (because legally they can't) and they decide to play up how naturally it's made. They decide on the slogan, "It's toasted."

It brings to mind breakfast toast or fresh nuts, doesn't it? Both are things most consider healthy.

It makes me realize how much faith I put into advertising. I'm pretty skeptical to start with, but I still fall for the "part of a healthy breakfast" line from time to time. Or the milk and cookies routine. Milk's healthy after all, why not spice it up with a cookie (or 6)? Hmm. And I'm hard pressed to turned down cake with love baked in. Who doesn't want a little bite of love? It'd be down right rude to turn it down.

Luckily, I have DVR and can record any TV I watch and skip right past the ads. But they are starting to crop up other places now. The web is really starting to get a good method to advertising. And it's getting harder to avoid someone trying to convince you their products is the best.

When it comes to food and your health, do your research. Obviously don't trust the people trying to sell you their product, particularly if they are adamant about how healthy it is. Apple farmers don't have to convince you to buy apples. Truly healthy foods don't come in package. They are made by nature.

The only way to know if you are eating right is to learn about your food. The more you know...

I hate running!

My kids get corrected every time they use the word 'hate' when describing things. They obviously don't hate each other. They don't hate school. They might not like each other. And there are certainly times they don't like school. But hate is a word they don't really understand. So I remind them, that they don't hate. They just dislike.

So fine, I dislike running.

I really really really dislike running.

I do it anyway.

If it were up to me, the world would turn just fine without running, but apparently it's good for you.

Meh.

So when a workout comes up that has running in it, I start to negotiate with myself if I really have to go. I mean, I should clean the bathroom. That laundry isn't going to fold itself. And the baby kept me up half the night; I really am too tired.

Hold there. We'll come back to that.

There are so many Crossfit movements I'm not good at... yet. I could list them, but you don't have the time. What's important to note about these movements is there is always a scale down. Pull-ups to using bands with your pull-ups, to jumping pull-ups, to ring rows. Box jumps to smaller boxes, to step ups. Weight can get lighter. Those kinds of things.

You can't scale running. You can go slower. (That's me!) Or you can walk. Walking isn't running. They have their own Olympic event, so it must be true. So when there is a workout that has running. I know I have to run. I still end up walking some, especially if there is a lot of running, but the idea is to run as much as absolutely possible. I wont get better if I slack.

So back to the excuses. Sometimes if I can find a really good one, I'll cling to it. The baby is a sleep. (Never wake a sleeping baby!)

I'll be damned if the next workout doesn't have a longer run... every time.

How do they know?!

And I've used my good excuse, and my rest day, because I didn't own it. So I try not to cherry pick my workouts. Even if it looks horrible and has 200m sprints for time, it's important to stick with it. I can't get better if I don't stick with it.

Not all workouts are going to be my favorites. And if I only do my favorites, I'm never going to get better at the hard stuff. And it will always be the hard stuff.

I suspect there will always be hard stuff. My goal is to make it look easy. When someone tells me, I make a movement look easy, I think that'll be the coolest day ever.

In the meantime, I hate running, but I do it anyway.

Eating Clean

My family eats pretty clean. Some people don't really understand what that means. And it might be partly because it means different things to different people.

In general, it means not processed foods. The edges of the grocery store. Nothing out of a box.

You can add to that, organic. It makes it a bit more complicated. Harder to shop for. And if you aren't following sales, more expensive.

You can add to that Paleo, vegan or some other label. And once again it gets a bit more complicated.

Source

At my house, clean means Paleo or a version of.

Eating Paleo isn't like what the media wants people to think. It isn't a meat based diet. It's very much a veggie based diet but always with a good helping of fat and protein. The easiest (and in my opinion tastiest) source of healthy fat and protein is meat. Yum. But to eat Paleo you have to give up a handful of things that have been proven to be harmful, like grains, specifically gluten but all grains are cut out if you eat Paleo.

I also cut out dairy. Most Paleo types do. Some call themselves Primal instead of Paleo and they keep dairy. Really it's all a matter of semantics. And finding where you fit on the eating clean scale.

For me, it isn't about fitting into a label. It's about getting away from cheap, unhealthy food. It's hard to know these days with media shoving down everyone's throats what is healthy and what isn't. After all, all cereals are "part of a healthy breakfast", never mind their sugar content and the fact that their nutrients are added by chemicals, not nature. Kool-aid has less sugar than soda, don't mind the Red 40 or Yellow 5. Then there is the whole grains vs enriched wheat flour. High fructose corn syrup. Brominated Vegetable Oil. Aspartame. Nitrates.

And yet everyone still wants you to think you can eat their food product and still be healthy. But it's obvious that's just not true.

*sigh* So how do you know what's healthy? What makes a clean food?

My rules of thumb.

1. If it can be sold without a nutrition label. It's clean.
2. If the food will go bad before the end of the week, even if kept in the refrigerator. Then it's probably clean.

The rest should be eaten sparingly or not at all.

I very firmly believe that our country's obesity problem would start to resolve itself if people ate clean. No more boxed food. No more fast food. Learn to cook for yourself. By the time you wait in line at the drive through and get your meal home, you could have cooked a healthy clean meal for your family at home. And there is a lot less waste from all those packages.

When you eat better, you feel better. And you lose weight wether you mean to or not. Bonus.

Leaps and Bounds

It's crazy to think I've only been doing Crossfit for a little over 5 months. When you say 5 months, it doesn't seem like very long at all. But my memories of it makes it seem like I've been working at it forever. I think it has to do with how quickly you improve as a beginner. There are still things I can't do. Pull-ups, double unders, and box jumps to name a few. But I can do all the lift movements and I'm always getting stronger and faster.

I can run 400m without stopping to walk now. Vast improvement over the girl that barely made it 100m without falling over. I have no intentions of becoming a runner. I just don't care for it. But something I do like is rowing.

This post from back in April is about a row I did in March. It's what cemented my desire to blog more (if a bit sporadically). It's about my first 2k row. I fought every moment of that row. And while I don't remember my exact time I know it was over 11 minutes. Almost 12, if I remember right. I was terrified before starting but felt awesome when I was finished.

Jump forward to this past Tuesday. The 2k row came up again. This was the first work-out since that day in March that the WOD was just the row. I was very excited to give it another shot! I finished in 9:38.

I beat my previous record by 2 minutes. 2 freaking minutes in 5 months! That's how Crossfit works. It takes years to become a truly exceptional Crossfit athlete, but no time at all to be confident and capable. I can go into a Crossfit gym anywhere in the country and not feel nervous. I might have to scale still, but in just 5 months I've come far enough that I know I can hold my own.

2 freaking minutes off my 2k row!

Can I Crossfit at Home?

I get asked that a lot now that I talk endlessly about Crossfit. In a nutshell, yes. Sure. Whatever. Anyone can do body weight exercises anywhere (think: sit-ups, push-ups, burpees, ect.). You can even go out and buy some weights and a bar. Go a step further and you can buy a rack. And then get at it. I HIGHLY suggest taking a class or two to learn proper lifting form. You can really get hurt if you don't know what you are doing. But that doesn't mean you can't do it at home.

But honestly, all that said, my answer is no. No, you can't do Crossfit at home. As I've said many times the reason Crossfit works is the people. I'm not talking HQ. They can sit in their offices and come up with whatever marketing ideas they like. I'm talking about the people at the gym you'd be going to. And the people at the gym I go to. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't be interested. Why? Because Crossfit is hard.

It's not peddling a bike that doesn't move, watching the news with subtitles for 30 minutes to an hour.

It's very "You want me to do what?!".

I'm not the kind of person that has the willpower to do hard stuff at home alone. I suspect most people like me aren't. Otherwise we wouldn't be out of shape in the first place. So if you are out of shape and wondering if you can do Crossfit at home. The answer is no. Find a gym. It's worth the cash. And you'll meet some really awesome people.

It's those people that will push you, even if you never talk to them. If you just go and then leave. You'll discover that you work infinitely harder with someone watching than at home alone. But the best part is when they cheer for you.

Note: Not all Crossfit gyms are the same. If you find yourself at a gym and no one is cheering for you, you are at the wrong gym. Luckily, there are a lot of Crossfit affiliates these days. Even if you have to drive 40 minutes out of your way it's worth it.

AMRAP vs For Time

Generally there are two types of Crossfit workout, AMRAP (as many rounds as possible in a given time) or For Time (meaning you are given the amount of rounds and you finished when you finish). I flinch every time I see a For Time WOD (workout of the day).

I've been doing Crossfit for 4 months now. And I'm happy to say, I'm pretty pleased with my progress. I'm not doing the beginner workouts anymore for the most part. There are some movements I just can't do. Pull-ups for one. I can't even get them with a band. It's coming though. I like to think I'll meet my strength going up as my weight goes down. Box jumps is another. I think it's the same problem. As I get lighter my legs will be getting stronger and jumping up will be easier. Then there are double unders. That's just a matter of technique. But that's not really what this blog is meant to be about.

I'm talking about reading the workout and the dread that comes with a For Time WOD.

See, you can scale any workout to fit your level. For Pull-ups, I do ring rows or jumping pull-ups. For box jumps, I do a shorter box. If the listed weight is too heavy, then just go lighter. Every workout can fit every fitness level.

For an AMRAP you are given a specific amount of time to work in. I usually have less rounds finished when time it up than the rest of my class. That doesn't seem to bother me because I know I worked hard. During an AMRAP, I will pick a heavier weight or try for a harder level of a skill I'm not particularly good at. But that's not what I do during a For Time WOD.

A For Time WOD you are given a certain amount of each skill to do and however long it takes it takes. I will scale that workout sometimes too much, because I don't want to end last. There is no shame in being last. I've been last. I've owned last before by just working my ass off just to finish. And if I'm last by only a little bit, my pride is fine. But I'll be damned if I think I'm going to be last by a lot, I'll scale (almost to the point of cheating).

I only cheat myself. I've talked about cheating before and being last. It's something I think about a lot. No one else in my gym thinks twice about me coming in last. No one would ever say anything negative to anyone finishing last. It's not that kind of place. In fact, the person finishing last gets the most support because by then there are people recovered enough to cheer you on.

When it happens to me, I'm embarrassed. I'm just not ready to have that much attention drawn to me. Maybe no one is. I've never asked anyone else.

Where am I going with this? I have no idea. I just needed to get that bit out there. Thanks.

Hurts so Good

I have a rather low pain tolerance. I least I always thought I did. One little headache or tummy cramp and I would run for the Tylenol bottle. If I thought I might kinda get a muscle cramp later, I'd take an Advil to head it off.

Now, I'm becoming an athlete.

If I'm not a little sore at the end of the day, I feel a little cheated. More like, I feel that I cheated.

The last couple weeks have been a whirlwind of busyness. I have no idea really what all was so busy. But I haven't made it to the gym as often as I'd like. I spent many days not feeling sore. It was just plan weird.

Then we found the time to make it back to the gym.

O.M.G.

I hurt like I had never done a squat before in my life.

That's all it had taken was a couple weeks of being distracted to get out of shape. I didn't go back to square one on my ability. But my muscles were pissed that I hadn't bothered to work them regularly. And it hurt. I'm still recovering really.

I like learning these lessons really. It helps hammer home my developing athletic lifestyle. If I really want to be an athlete, I have to work regularly. There's no time off or vacations. It's something I have to find time for multiple times every week.

You don't get something from nothing. If you want something, you have to work for it. And if you try to slack a little, you'll end up paying more than it's worth.

I might have given up in the past. But I'm committed. This isn't just for me. I have a family that needs me to be healthy and strong. I do this for them too.

But who am I kidding. It's summertime and I'm ready to look rocking in a bikini. (Maybe not this year, but damn skippy by next year I'll be set to go.)

Summer Slacker Blues

I love Summer! I've never met anyone that doesn't. Sun is wonderful. And since the invention of A/C the heat is always manageable. But there is something about summer that just makes you want to laze around and forget all the things you are supposed to be doing. Why is that?

So after my family recovered from our summer colds two weeks ago. We were already in the laze around habit. Comfort foods (although kept within a form of reason) and sitting on our rears had taken a pretty big hold. It doesn't take much to slip back into old habits.

Come to find out we aren't the only ones with this affliction. After going back to the gym yesterday (for the first time in a week), it seems quite a few people have been missing.

Have we all started to slip away with the last of the New Year's Resolution hangers on?

Is it just a Summer Slacker thing?

Who knows. But it does seem to have us all in a bit of a funk. A funk with slightly tighter clothes.

I firmly believe that weight loss is mostly related to diet. But exercise can be 100% reflected in mood improvement.

It's just a matter of getting back at it.

This week is shaping up to be a fun one. I don't love all the movements used in Crossfit. I haven't met anyone that does. But everyone has favorites. And so far, the schedule has included mine.

So if you are doing a program that you are starting to find tedious, or you've been running but now it's getting too hot outside and your are having to resort to a treadmill and don't care for it, I suggest Crossfit. It's something different everyday.

If you aren't exercising. You should. It'll change your life.

Becoming an Athlete

It's hard. I'm a big girl. I'd say I'm fat, but people cringe when that word is used. It doesn't make it any less true. But to save your feelings, I'll stick with big.

I'm working on it. But I've been a big girl a really long time. There was a moment in my adult life when I was a size 10. It lasted about a month before I got pregnant. It was the trimmest I'd been since high school, no one was blaming my husband. HA!

Still, my body is rather used to being overweight. I still only ever see myself as overweight. I keep having to tell myself I'm working on it. I am working on it. But dang it takes so much work and it's hard. The exercise is physically hard, but that's not what I'm talking about. I really like the exercise. As you can tell if you've read my blog before, I love Crossfit. But losing weight isn't just about exercise. In fact, it has very little to do with exercise. I think the percentages given are usually 80/20. 80% diet and 20% exercise.  Someone, somewhere probably made that number up. But it's true. If you are eating crap it doesn't matter how much you exercise, you aren't going to be fit.

Which is what I'm trying for. I'm not interested in being skinny. I don't want to look like the girl in the magazine. I want to look like an athlete. More over, I want to be an athlete. I don't aspire to the Olympics. But I'd love to be able to play in a pick-up game of soccer or to run a 5k. I want to be strong and have muscles. And I think that takes more work than just losing weight.

To lose weight fast, I could just restrict my calories. I don't do that. I only watch what I eat. I try to eat clean and work-out 4 times a week. And it's enough. I am losing weight. Slowly. So very slowly. And sometimes it just breaks my heart. Since February, I'm down 14 lbs. I know I've put on a lot of muscle. But when I started I was about 80 lbs up. I have way more fat to lose than I have muscle to put on. The scale isn't adjusting accordingly. And it's disappointing.

I still don't plan to count calories. I'm not out to feel restricted or to start a trend of having to worry about every single bite of food that goes into my mouth, even if it is healthy and good for me. If I cut my calories too much it might make the weight just fall off, but I'll lose muscles too. I don't have enough muscles to lose. And if I cut my calories, I'll lose energy. I have three kids. I need every bit of that energy.

So I'll keep working at it. At my super duper slow pace. It's not a sprint, right? I can't come in last if I'm  the only one in the race. No matter how slow, I'll be the winner in the end. But man alive, it's disappointing some days not to see the scale move in the right direction.

On Being Sick and Losing Weight

I have a summer cold. It's been brewing for a week and is now in full blown snot status. And I have my kids to thank for it. But they seemed to have the lite version because they haven't slowed down a bit. (Or use the quantity of tissues I do.)  I'm missing the days where I could just hide in bed for a day or two and rest to recover. I feel like one full day of sleep is all it would take. But who has time for that?! I'm missing the days where I could just hide in bed for a day or two and rest to recover. I feel like one full day of sleep is all it would take. But who has time for that?! The worst bit for me is that it's kept us out of the gym. I know I talk about it a lot, but I really love my Crossfit gym.

Since I haven't been to the gym in a week, I've had to really look at my diet. My Whole 30 challenge never turned into more than a Half 30. I'm easily distracted and lazy about cooking. So when someone suggests take-out, I'm not one to turn it down. I have been making better choices. Bunless burgers, naked nuggets, those types of things. But I haven't turned down the french fries. They have no redeeming nutritional value, but man alive, they are tasty.

But I've still lost weight. Why? Because Paleo works, even if you fudge it just a little bit. See, it's about cutting out grains first. I could spew about all the science, but I wont. The fact is, I'm not all that solid on the science of it, except that I've read it. It's all there. It makes perfect sense. But you wont truly understand until you cut them out of your diet.

Things that are true for me just because I've cut out grains:

1. I can eat all the fatty protein I want and still lose weight. Yay for steak and bacon!
2. I eat healthy vitamin filled fruits and still lose weight. No counting carbs for me. I've already cut out the big carbs, grains.
3. When I had gestational diabetes, I could keep my blood sugar in check by not eating grains. It was that simple. (The first time I had to use insulin, because I didn't know better.)
4. I don't get bloated.
5. My bathroom situation is nice and smooth because I get my fiber from soft fruits and veggies, instead of rough grains. (TMI?)

So maybe I should stop there. The point is, I have a lot of good things going because I have cut out grains and the only bad thing is that making a sandwich for lunch is out. Sandwiches are so easy. Want to know what else is easy? Meat with some raw veggies and a handful of nuts, a bowl of premixed salad, an apple and some nutbutter (my usual breakfast), a PaleoKit (oh my goodness, so tasty!), leftover steak (does that exist?). There are so many things you can do besides reach for bread. It's like the creative eating copout.

Sorry, I was trying not to get preachy. It's hard when I know it works and I know it would work for everyone.

Double Unders!

I was good at jumping rope when I was little. I could out jump most kids in my class. I never managed most of the really cool tricks. But I had a few that were impressive to the other 10 year olds at the playground. Fast forward 20+ years... well, let's just say it's been a while. It didn't take long to get the skipping down again. Like a bicycle, I suppose.

But Double Unders are a beast of their own. It's a completely different rhythm that even some of the elite at our gym struggle with. It's a matter of speed and timing. And when you miss, those wire speed ropes are not forgiving! It makes it so that you have to really want it to even try.

So I'm not really sure what I was thinking when during my 90 rep single skips, I decided to try a double under. But I got it!

Woo! I totally shouted to everyone that I got my first double under!

And no one heard me. The music was up too loud and they were all busy.

Photo credit: Reba

So I tried again. And I got another! I was so freaking excited.

And tired. I only managed the two.

I totally told everyone at the gym after the work out. And by everyone, I mean everyone! I was even caught in action bragging about my accomplishment.

After I got home, I felt a bit like a nerd about telling everyone. It didn't stop me from Facebooking about it. ... Or blogging about it.

Sometimes, it's the little things that make Crossfit so great. There wasn't one person I told that wasn't excited for me.

It feels good to accomplish something new and difficult. And it's very validating when you see your hard work pay off.

Next time, I'll get 3. ;)

I've never been so glad to finish!

Earlier this week, I had a work-out that was designed to kill me. Alright, I'm exaggerating. But it was crazy tough and chalk full of movements I stink at. Run, dumbbell snatches, toes to bar, and more running. I'm, by far, the slowest runner. I've never done a dumbbell snatch. And I can barely hang on a pull-up bar, much less get my toes to touch it. Every one of those skills are ones I need a lot of work in.

Instead of going in a bit defeated, I was open to practice. After all, no one gets better at anything without practice.

I still dreaded the runs.  I'm not a runner. I hate running. I would like to magically be better at running. I have very little desire to work to run better. But there is no way out of it if I want to get better. So I did it. I did not enjoy it. But I managed.

It was my first time doing dumbbell snatches. Like any newbie, I watched a video about it before going to the gym. I like to be prepared. And I killed it, thank you very much. I really like lifting weight above my head. I don't know what it is, but it is really cool. It was the redeeming part of the work-out for me.

The toes to bar scale down to knee raises for me. It's still plenty hard at my level. And I can't do but more than a few at a time. I could probably do more if it didn't hurt my hands so much. I don't have Crossfit calluses, yet. But after that work-out, I started getting closer. To anyone that isn't a Crossfitter this next bit might sound gross, but Crossfitters will get it. ... Someday I hope to have some calluses. I'll be bragging that day!

Then the big finish was another run. I think my coach hates me.

Okay, so it isn't personal. But I really am the slowest person at our gym. And it's hot. And whine/complain some more. Did I mention I hate running?

But I did it. And I finished Dead Last.

But oh, I was so glad to be finished! I worked hard for every second for that time!

Dead Last

I happens to everyone at some point. It happens to me a lot. My goal in a work-out is to not be last. It seems like a reasonable goal. Most of the time I have to scale to make that happen. Sometimes I have to scale and I still finish last.

Finishing last gets old. But at the same time, I don't particularly mind. After all, it isn't a race. I'm not competing with anyone at the gym. My only competition is myself.

I read this article today: Crossfit 101: Don’t cheat on burpees

I could have written that article. I've actually been thinking about that for days. I was amazed at the coincidence  that someone else was at the exact same place as me when considering scaling. I've been doing Crossfit for just over 3 months now. Going from inactive and pregnant to athlete isn't going to happen in just 3 months. So it's perfectly reasonable to scale. Everyone would agree with that logic.

But at what point does scaling become cheating?

I don't have a clear answer. I only know that if I don't leave everything I have at the gym, I feel like I've cheated.

Sometimes after a work-out if I feel like I could keep going, I'm disappointed. Obviously I didn't work hard enough. I've gotten to where I take it in stride. If that's the case, then I know for sure next time I shouldn't scale quite so much.

Sometimes after a work-out if I feel like I could keep going, I feel dumb. Because I knew when I started I wasn't doing as much as I can. Those work-outs always involve a movement (or movements) that I'm not good at. I don't know anyone that likes to do things they aren't good at. And I've wondered lately if I've been using my need to scale as an excuse to slack on those movements.

It wasn't so much wondering, as realizing what I was doing. When I started, I was scaling because I couldn't do the movements in a reasonable time. Three months later, I'm leaps and bounds stronger and more capable, but I'm still scaling the same.

My biggest excuse: I don't want to finish last.

Gave up that excuse at the beginning of the week.

Wow, Crossfit has kicked my ass this week!

And I've finished last Thursday. I fought for every second of that time! I finished pretty damn proud of myself.

Friday, I had my turn to kick some ass. I didn't manage the WOD Rx (work-out of the day as prescribed (without scaling)). But I did it at the higher level. And I managed to do one of the skills unbroken (meaning without rest) at a higher weight than I've used before. Which is a great accomplishment.

From now on, my new rule for myself will be not to scale just to not finish last. If I don't want to finish last, then I just need to work harder. And if I do finish last, I'm going to make sure that I've worked hard enough that I'm proud of finishing last.

Because finishing last is better than not finishing at all.

Don't give up on me

I'm still around. I'm still going to the gym. I'm still working on my diet. I was sick recently and it's thrown my schedule for a loop. But I'll be back soon with more posts. :)

Hitting the Weigh Loss Wall

Why is it if you indulge over a weekend you can put on 5 or more lbs, but if you eat clean for a whole week you might not even lose 1?

I am proud of where I am right now as far as working towards my goals goes. I love my gym and my coaches. I'm eating pretty clean. I'm not perfect. Sometimes I don't plan. But even then I eat the lesser of the evils option. And I'm pretty happy with the choices I've made.

Still the weight is not melting off like butter, like it has in the past. This whole losing baby weight is a kick in the pants.

I should say I've lost just over 20 lbs since having my baby. Most came off really fast, as having the baby is usually 10-15 lbs of weight right away. Then there was Christmas, where I didn't bother to try to watch what I ate so much. So really, where I'm counting from is January. Since January, I've lost 10 lbs.

I'm not winning the Biggest Loser at this rate. *sigh*

I need a plan.

I'm trying hard to not get too disappointed. After all, I'm trying to get healthy not necessarily skinny. It isn't a race. I'm not actually competing in the Biggest Loser. Plus, I've been overweight for years. It isn't realistic to think I'll just not be after a few months of work.

Man, I wish it worked that way though.

Back to my plan... I don't have one. Anyone have ideas?

I think I'm going to have to give up and start weighing food and counting calories. I'm nursing so that has to be factored in when picking a target range. And I'm going to have to write everything down. Keeping a food journal is the best way to find the flaw in the system.

So if you are like me and have hit a bit of a wall, maybe it's time to start a food journal too. There are a lot of online resources where you can type in your food amounts and it'll count the calories for you. And some will give you carb and fat totals as well. Or you can go the old fashion route and just write it down on paper. Having it there to reference will let you know exactly how many times a week you've been eating fast food, or skipping the veggies. It's very revealing.

I'm a little nervous I'm going to find out that I'm not eating as clean as I think, which I'm guessing is the case.

Open Letter to Athletic Apparel Manufactures

To the people in the design and development department:

I just wanted to let you know, I really like your clothes. They look cute. The new sweat wicking technology sounds awesome. All the 'keep cool' designs seem really impressive. I just have one problem. None of it fits. You see, I'm a bigger girl trying to get fit. I'm not alone. I'm guessing by your lack of product created to fit us, you've forgotten about us. I just want you to know we are out here, wanting to shed our hot, baggy men's sweat pants and t-shirts. We'd like to wear the 'keep cool' tops in bright women's colors, and the compression pants that are made for our body types. We have the money to spend if you'd just help us out. I don't feel like I'm asking a lot with that request.

But while I'm at it, I have another. It'd be great if you'd follow the same vanity sizings that the rest of the clothes making industries use. I say this because it's very defeating when I go to put on the XL shirt and it's more like a medium. All my other shirts say XL, it's something I've come to accept (but only for now). As you see, I've been working hard for months to change that to an L. But when I try on your XL super cute sweat wicking semi-fitted tops, I feel like a giant cow. And I'm pretty sure it creates lumps that I don't have otherwise. Not good. Women have a very emotional tie to their clothing size and having to go up breaks our hearts. And sad girls are less like to work-out. They certainly aren't going to be buying your clothes. And I want to work-out. I like it. It feels good. If you could design some clothes to go with my getting fit spirit, I would appreciate it.

So please, think of the big girls. We are working hard to get into your awesome fit girl apparel, but it'd be nice to have something to wear before we get there besides men's sweat pants.

<3 F'N Strong

Basketcase

I am about as scattered as a person can get. In fact, if this post makes sense, I deserve an award.

I was never diagnosed with ADD or ADHD. I have family members who were, so I have to wonder if genetically I've got a little of that running in my system. Even so, I'm usually rather functional.

But for the past week, I've almost been lost. Like put my cell phone in the refrigerator lost. Okay, so it hasn't been that bad. It's more of a lose my to-do list, what was I just talking about, who me kind of lost.

Maybe I'm just overwhelmed from something. It could be a side effect of stress. Although I don't feel particularly stressed. At least I didn't before I started feeling scattered.

I could blame my diet. But I've been consistently eating clean. Which I've done before with no weird confusion.

Baby hormones, maybe? I know it takes a while for a woman to get her grove back after a baby. I can't remember if I had this with the last kids. ... Ooo, maybe that's part of it. Yes? No?

It hasn't stopped me from my goals though.

It's made it all a little harder. Getting all the kids ready to go in time to make it to the gym is hard when you can't remember what you were doing a few minutes before. And I missed going on Saturday, which honestly hurt my feelings a little. Threw me in for more of a loop than I was already.

But it wont make me give up.

I had a day where I forgot to eat. And a day where I probably ate too much because I forgot to watch when I was eating. But I continued to eat clean.

It didn't make me give up.

I've had to walk away from this post too many times to count because someone has needed my attention.

But I kept coming back.

The point is, as much as I spout rainbows about getting fit, it isn't always easy. I don't have a cleaning fairy. Lunch isn't always hot. I'm not always perky and ready to take on the world. Most of the time, I'm in my pajamas. My daughter's hair isn't combed. And more than once last week my kids ate gluten-free toaster waffles for breakfast because I didn't have it in me to make anything more nutritious.

But I keep trying. It's not about being perfect. It's about doing the hard work to be better.

Compare and Contrast

I'm still having a problem with realistic expectations. Never mind that back in *cough* Jr.  High *cough* when I was my most athletic, I couldn't do a pull-up. I'm still disappointed that after 9 weeks, I haven't managed one (even with a band). Never mind, that I weigh 'a bit' more than the fit girls at my gym that have no problem doing pull-ups. And considering that pull-ups are a body weight exercise, I would have to work harder to get that pull-up even if I was as strong as them.

Oh... I think I found my problem.

I love those girls at my gym. But I might be relating to that Jr. High version of myself more than I realized when I first started typing.

I want to be in their cool club. No, they aren't excluding me. In fact, they are very welcoming. And if the cool girls at your gym aren't welcoming, you are at the wrong gym.

But they are strong and fast and smart. All the things I strive to be. They look good in the compression pants. And can wear the short shorts without fear. Even their haphazard pony tails are cute. And they don't turn bright red as they exercise. They perspire. I sweat buckets.

I know I sound crazy. I haven't been in Jr. High in decades. (Yes, with an 's'.) I know not to compare myself with those ladies. But it's so hard to get out of my brain that way. It leads to a bunch of 'ifs'.

If I lost weight, then I'd be stronger.

If I was stronger, I'd be faster.

If I was thinner, stronger and faster, then I'd be happy.

Wait. What?

I am happy. I love my life. I have a great husband and wonderful kids. I enjoy my friends. And above all I am blessed and favored by God. And all of that has nothing to do with being thin, strong or fast. So why when I start comparing myself to others, suddenly I don't feel happy.

Somedays all the logic in the world can't talk me out of the slump. I know those women have struggles too. And that the reason they are thinner, stronger and faster than me is because they work hard and have worked hard way longer than me. So by that logic, if I continue to work hard, then I'll be thinner, stronger, and faster. But when I'm in a slump, I don't want to work hard.

It's a cycle. And I could very easily let it get the best of me. I could give up.

I have given up in the past. I know how easy it is to quit. But I wont. I'm going to work on my Jr. High thinking and make my own cool club. And while I don't know that I'll ever stop comparing myself to other people, I'm going to try to remember they are just normal people too with struggles and faults just like me. And that nothing worth working for is easy.

I'm going to be the best me and not a copy of someone else.

Diet isn't a four letter word

This is a rant. Bear with me.

I get so tired of hearing about diets. Or people talking about being on a diet. Or asking if I'm on a diet. Diet, diet, diet.

No. The Whole 30 isn't a 'diet'. Yes, the Whole 30 is a diet.

At my homeschool table, the word diet is used when we talk about what animals eat. Mr. Panda isn't 'on a diet' when he eats bamboo. His diet is bamboo. Diet means what you eat.

Eating healthy isn't the same as "being on a diet". Just because the general population of America is so used to take-out and fast food, that doesn't mean that people that aren't constantly eating take-out and fast food are doing something extraordinary.

In fact, labeling something "a diet" is setting yourself up for failure. Eventually, you will choose something that isn't on your plan. Enter guilt. We'll you've blow breakfast, might as well do what you want the rest of the day. And two weeks later that diet is nothing but a distant memory.

Instead, choose to eat healthier (whatever you decide that means for you).

Eating healthier isn't a quick fix. It isn't a band-aid weight loss plan. It's taking control of what you put in your mouth. It's your diet. Not you being on a diet.

Oddly enough when you eat healthier, you will lose weight. Not at a rate to win The Biggest Loser. But when you aren't only eating junk, your body will change. The less junk you eat, the faster your body will change. And if you listen to your body you will learn what foods to fuel it with to get the best results. (I have a lot of opinions about this, but I'll save them for another time.)

Eating healthy foods is my diet. No, I'm not 'on a diet'.

This also means if you see me in public and I'm eating junk. I know. Because I'm not 'on a diet'. I am free to choose what I want. I'm not accountable to any one fad.

Still for the next few weeks I'm going to do the Whole 30 challenge (note: challenge, not diet). It's my way of listening to my body and seeing what foods fuel it the best. Will I be perfect? I haven't been so far. But that's part of it being a challenge. If it were easy it wouldn't be called a challenge. Do I wish I would make different choices? Sure. I'd like to be perfect at everything I do. But I know I'm not perfect. And I don't expect anyone else to be.

I will always talk about how people make mistakes. I make mistakes. If you take away nothing else from my blog, I want everyone to realize, it's okay to make mistakes. You just pick up right where you are and move forward. Every time you make a mistake, you learn.

At this rate, I should be a genius by now. HA!

A Bonus to Being the New Girl

There is a bonus to being the new girl (or guy) at your gym. So if you are worried about drawing attention to yourself, don't. As I've posted about before here, even the biggest people at the gym have a role to play. They inspire as much, if not more, than the super athletic types, because they are very obviously putting it all on the line. The same is true for all new people.

And that's the bonus, the super athletic types see that and give you tons of encouragement. Not the 'bro' kind that sounds like, "Hey, Slacker, you can do more than that!" (Always said in the friendly teasing way, at a good gym.) But the "You are doing awesome! Keep it up!"

That's the bonus to being new. You don't get teased. And while there is something to being there long enough to get to the teasing stage. It's really nice to have the heartfelt encouragement that comes with being new. Maybe that's what keeps people coming back. It certainly doesn't hurt my feelings for people to tell me how great I am.

After the first few times, I actually started to believe them.

So if you are ever feeling down about yourself or feel insecure. Get yourself to the nearest Crossfit box. It can turn a bad day around.

I'm still not the strongest or fastest. But I'll be damned if I don't feel like it by the time I leave.

No Crossfit near you? Join any class. Spin, Zumba, Jazzercise, whatever. Exercising on your own is great and healthy. But there is something about suffering with others that just makes it so much better. And no one cares what shape you are in, and if they do, find a better class. There is a fit for you somewhere.

The encouragement you get from working hard and doing something for yourself is better than any end of day glass of wine or whatever you use to come to terms with your stressful day.

After all, you are awesome. Isn't it time everyone started telling you so?

In a Funk

Bleh. I don't know what it is. The weather has been pleasant. Nothing big has changed in my schedule. My post-baby hormones seem about as constant as they have been. But whatever it is, I'm in a funk. Maybe it's the fact that my back is still a little tender. It's getting better, but it's still slowing me down. Maybe, that's it. Who knows. But the point is, I'm moody.

I'm not "Get Out of My Way!" moody. But just easily annoyed moody. And I know everyone else in my house is starting to feed off of it.

Funny how just one person can bring down everyone around them.

Sometimes it's slow, like it has been this week. Everyday everyone is just a bit more touchy than the day before.

Sometimes you are in such a bad mood that you just have to look at someone and they are soured for the rest of the day too.

Why is it that bad moods travel better than good ones?

There have been days when just being around someone happy has made me happy. And sometimes it sticks and sometimes it only lasts a moment.

But a bad mood is like a cold, it just lingers around and the next thing you know all your friends have it too.

Well, I don't know about you guys, but I hate being in a bad mood. I like my friends and family too much. And it isn't so much about them putting up with me. But I'd like to keep liking them and it gets trying when they are in a bad mood. Know what I mean?

So to end the vicious cycle of funk, I have to start with me. Bleh. That sounds like such a pain. But I suppose it isn't nearly as bad as listening to my kids bicker.

My plan: Fake it, til I make it.

I will pretend to be the happiest most patient person ever. And eventually I wont be pretending anymore.

Practice until I'm good at something? Wow, that's a novel concept. And it works for moods as well as behaviors.

But I just CAN'T give up bread?!

I have this conversation a lot:

Them: So what is Paleo?
Me: *insert party line about eating like a caveman and clean foods*
Them: So I'd have to give up bread and cheese?! That sounds great, but I just CAN'T give up bread.
Me: *polite smile*

Well, just so you know, you CAN give up bread. You are just choosing not to.

There are a lot of things in life that just happen. But what you pick up with your hand and put in your mouth is completely up to you. No excuses. You have no choice but to own that fact.

I have no choice but to own that fact.

This photo of Inn at Narrow Passage is courtesy of TripAdvisor

So that said, let me introduce you to my Paleo Wagon. Aint she a beaut.

The ride is bumpy as hell. I fall off all the time. But luckily, I'm not racing. I go slow so when I fall off I have time to dust myself off before I hop back on.

That's really what it's all about. It isn't about if you can give up bread, because you can. It's about making the decision to dust yourself off and get on the wagon.

I can give you all kinds of science about the evils of grains and dairy.  And about how soy shouldn't be a food. But you can research that all on your own.

In the end you are going to decide if you want to make a change for yourself or not. When you do (See, I said when, I'll convince you eventually.), I want you to know it's not all sunshine and rainbows. Somedays are really easy. Sometimes it's plain ol' hard. Mistakes happen. But it isn't a race, you'll have plenty of time to dust off and get back at it.


Steak with a side of broccoli and carrots? Paleo
Pulled chicken on a giant bed of leafy greens? Paleo
Bacon with a side of bacon? Paleo
4 scrambled eggs and two pieces of sausage? My lunch!


Now, if I have you convinced, there are some great resources in my side bar there. Click away and learn all you can.

If you still think you just can't give up bread or cheese then how about try for a balanced diet. You know, like adding in the rest of the food in the breakfast cereal commercial. After all, grainy-o's and skim milk is not a balanced meal, even the commercial says so. Get out your fancy new First Lady good plate and fill it up appropriately. That means barely more than a 1/5th of your meal should be a grain.

Plate of spaghetti? Not balanced.
Whole grain bagel with low-fat strawberry cream cheese? Not balanced.
Turkey sandwich from Subway? Not balanced.

(Funny how those companies pushing their products would really like you to think otherwise.)

If you really want to see a difference in your waist, your mood, and your energy level. Clean up your diet. It's as simple as that. Go Paleo for 30 days. Join my Whole 30. Do Mark's 30 Day Challenge.

Pain in the...

(Disclaimer: This is not medical advice. I am not a doctor. If you have back pain (or pain of any kind), go see your doctor.)

I hurt my back last week. I can't exactly pin point what I did. But I have a few things that could lead up to it.

Monday, I'd done ONE BILLION squats and kettlebell swings. Okay. Fine. I'm exaggerating. 100 squats. 106 kettlebell swings. My hamstrings were mad at me for days. And according to Google, tight hamstrings can lead to lower back pain. But my back didn't hurt until...

Enter Thursday, Sumo Deadlift High Pulls (video). My first work-out with those. Not my favorite thing. It's awkward. At least, I'm really awkward at it. And while I know I was careful about my form on the pull, I'm not really sure I was solid getting the weight back to the floor for my tap and go.

It was Thursday evening I noticed my back was sore. And Friday, I skipped Crossfit to rest it.

But I couldn't pass up Saturday. Snatches! (video)

In case you haven't heard, I really really like to lift heavy things. Some people wouldn't consider them as heavy as I do. But it's still loads of fun.

My back was still a little tight. I did what I could to stretch it out. And I started lighter than I might have otherwise. And, drumroll, it didn't hurt at all. AMAZING. I was so nervous that I wasn't going to be able to lift anymore. I didn't even have a twinge at any point in my lifts. WOO!

Then it came time for a cash-out (ie, the work-out after the work-out). It was a run. Casual, on your own kind of thing. I was the only one in my class to do it. I didn't get far. I mean, I hate running to start with. It was kinda why I decided to do it even when no one else was. I want to get better.

But *insert bad words here* it hurt!

Lesson I learned: Even if you are hurt, there are ways to stay active and get fit. It might not be what you are used to or your favorite thing to do. You might have to scale back (in my case no running and lighter weights). But it's not an excuse to give up.

Whole 30: Take Two

So my Whole 30 quickly turned into a Half 30 then went downhill into a, well at least I'm not eating out every other day anymore.

*head shake*

I make the excuse that my diet is better than most people's. I mean all those people that pick the worst foods from all the worst fast food places everyday... I eat better than them. And I don't do dairy (casein intolerance for me and the baby) and very little gluten, so I'm steps ahead of most Americans... right?

It doesn't matter when the scale isn't moving, despite all the new exercising I'm doing.

Oh, I hear ya. But muscle weighs more than fat!

Um, well a pound is a pound. I don't need my son's homeschool kindergarten math book to teach me that. And the fact remains I still have entirely too many pounds to lose to be playing the muscle vs fat card.

Yes, my body is changing shape and I can squeeze into my pre-pregnancy jeans now. So yahoo! (The muffin top is something to behold though.)

But here's the thing, those used to be my fat jeans. And I would like them to be my 'before' jeans. You know the ones where people pose in front of a door and hold their old fat jeans in front of them and take a picture to show how they aren't fat anymore.

So I have some work to do.

Here's the plan. Some ladies from my gym said they started a Whole 30 yesterday. I said I'd restart today. Done and done.

The fine print:
1. I will not allow myself to give one slip or slide as an excuse to blow the whole thing.
2. Eating out is not an excuse to eat bread. (Bread makes you bloated and being bloated makes you feel like you've blown it.)
3. Feeling like I've blown it? refer to #1.

Anyone else want in? I'd love to have someone to complain with. Especially around day 3 when the 'low carb flu' sets in. You have to agree to the rules in the fine print (and the rest of the Whole 30 for that matter). But anything is do able for 30 days!

Get Real

It's important to have realistic expectations.

I don't.

When I stop to listen to myself as I complain to my husband, I realize I'm being ridiculous. But in my head, it makes perfect sense to be disappointed that I might not have improved my 1 rep max clean (how you get the bar off the ground and to your shoulders) in just 10 days.

See, I thought I had only tied my personal record. And when I left the gym, I was sad. Never mind, that it'd only been 10 days. There was a good chance I was going to be pouty at least the rest of the night, if not all the next day as well.

So I started talking out the weight I had on the bar. And come to find out, I had set a PR by 10 lbs. WOO! I perked right up. Best day ever!

And then my husband saw fit to remind me that I needed to have realistic expectations. I mean, only 10 days had gone by. So what if I only tied my personal record. It's 10 lbs. And I still set a personal record doing a jerk (a particular way to lift the bar above your head). But I wasn't even focused on that. I was too busy being pouty.

It's one of those things that happens when people are trying to get fit or lose weight. I know I've been on a weight loss journey all my life, it seems. It doesn't matter that it took me over 9 months to put on all the pregnancy weight. As soon as that baby is out, every mom is wishing they didn't eat all those saltine crackers and gallons of ice cream.

Why can't we just go to sleep one night and wake up in our pre-pregnancy bodies?

No? It doesn't work that way?

I hate having to have realistic expectations.

When a week goes by and I haven't lost any weight, that pizza sure is a lot harder to turn down. After all, I'm not making any progress. Why not? Right?

Oh, because the next week, if I say no and stay strong I might lose 2 lbs? Yeah, it happens. Of course, I've had the week were I thought I did great and gained a pound. Isn't that a kick in the pants when you worked so hard to turn down crap food? Sounds like a box of donuts kind of day.

Not any more.

I'm working on my realistic expectations.

Some days are up and some whole weeks are down. It's not an excuse to blow it anymore.

I'm going to miss that excuse. But I wont miss the yo-yoing or the disappointment in myself.

My goal: To Get Real.

More about Inspiration

So, my post about not feeling very inspiring was, also, inspiring.

Thank you everyone for your encouraging comments. I was both absolutely touched and completely embarrassed that I'd managed to draw so much attention to myself.

I mean, I know writing a blog that people are going to read it. And I know that by sharing it on my Facebook page that people I know will probably read it. I'm cool with that. I wouldn't put anything on the internet that I didn't want the entire world to know. In fact, I think it would rock if people all over read my blog. It'd be as close as I will ever get to famous.

But at the same time, WOW! I didn't expect such a strong response. You guys are really great. I have an awesome support system.

Yesterday, I finished a 5k. It wasn't a fancy race 5k. It was the up and down my street until my neighbors thought I was crazy 5k. My husband called it my first annual Easter 5k. ... we'll see.

It took me almost an hour. I stopped in the middle to get something to drink and recover a bit. I certainly didn't run the whole time. I wanted to quit... often. I tried to talk myself into quitting.

Ha! I tried to talk myself into quitting. There was a time a few weeks ago when I would have tried to talk myself into starting and wouldn't have bothered. And yesterday, I tried to talk myself into quitting and I didn't. That's a big step. (Of course, the 5k was a big step.)

I didn't quit because I knew all you guys would be behind me, even though you weren't physically there.  

And I didn't quit because I knew I could do it.

I've been doing Crossfit for 8 weeks today. I'm way more in shape than I have been in years. Even when I was 50 lbs lighter, I wouldn't have made the 5k while still breathing. Not once did I have to walk because I was out of breath. I had to walk because my body was tired.

Okay, fine, I'll admit it. I gave into the walking way more than I would have if you all had been there with me. That's why Crossfit is a class. You push a lot harder when someone else is pushing hard too. And when you think you just don't have anything else to give, someone will give you a shout out reminding you that you can do it and not to give up. And then there is some special magic with those words that does manage to give you more strength. I can't explain it. It's something you have to experience.

Sunday Share

Apparently the thing for bloggers to do on the weekend is to share what other bloggers are writing about. It's like a break from blogging or something. I don't really blog enough to need a break. But I have read some things this week I'd like to share.

The House that Stumptuous Built
My favorite quote, "All are welcome in this house that strength built." (But I should warn you that 'grown-up' vocabulary is used."

A Metaphor in Real Time
It's about giving yourself permission to feel negative emotions. And how once you confront them, they go away.

The Best Almond Flour Cinnamon Rolls
I'm not usually down with 'Paleo-fying' food. (If you are going to "cheat", just cheat and call it what it is.) But when you have kids that can't have dairy or gluten, sometimes you do these things for them. I haven't tried these yet, but dang they look tasty.

Inspiration

I mean me?

Who knew.

Apparently all my talk about exercising and getting healthy has struck a cord with a few of my family and friends. That's nice. I like that other people are getting in shape. Although I have to admit, I don't feel very inspiring.

I still mostly see where I fall short. I'm certainly not the fastest or strongest at my gym. In fact, I'm often the slowest and weakest. My choice is to scale enough that I can finish with everyone else or potentially be at the gym all night finishing the work out. I'm not too proud to scale. In fact, I often have to just to be able to do the movements. I see that has a short coming. But I'm told others see the fact that I'm out there working my ass off as inspiration.

I'm about to post a video that a friend took. This video makes me cry.

The first time I watched it, I was horrified. All I saw was the big girl on the row machine. I was embarrassed at how my body looked. My hair is stringy and you can see my rolls under my bra straps. I cried.

I made myself watch it again and again. In fact, this video was taken weeks ago. I've watched it a lot. I still cry. But not for the same reasons.

See, what I didn't see the first time? All those guys sitting around me. They are the fastest and strongest. They do the workout Rx (which means they don't have to scale it down to make it through). Some of them had only ever seen me for the first time that day.

They are cheering for me. They are telling me, I can do it. And giving advice about how to make it through.

They didn't care that I'm not among the elite. Or that I had fat rolls showing. Or the fact that my face is probably beet red from exertion. They only care that I'm doing it. Then I cry because I'm touched. (I'm a cryer. I'm just glad I haven't actually done it at the gym. That'd be embarrassing.)

I remember that WOD. It was a 2k row for time. It's not the kind of WOD that's scalable. But, I actually like to row. I'd watched videos earlier that day to learn techniques to be efficient. I knew going in I was probably going to be the last one finished. We rowed in heats. I was in the last heat. I was nervous because I knew that everyone was going to be finished and they'd all be waiting on me. I knew I was going to be in the spotlight. It made me feel very uncomfortable... before I started. But once I was on the row machine. Honestly, all I could think about was finishing the job.  I remember when the guy on the far side of me sat down next to me started talking me through the last few minutes. I don't remember when David finished and started cheering for me. Or when my Coach showed up with his encouragements. And I had no idea about the group that had gathered behind me to cheer me on. I didn't know about them until I saw the video. And obviously, I had no idea my friend was taking video.

All I could think about at the time was how many more pulls on that rope would get me off the machine. It was hard. I never once thought about giving up. There was a moment where I thought about slowing down. That's when people started cheering around me. The last 100m were the fastest I'd rowed the whole time.

And that's how Crossfit works. That's why it's better as a class. Alone, I might have quit before I made the whole 2k. I certainly would have slowed down. I was last, but no one cared. My form was getting sloppy, but no one judged. And when I finished everyone around me erupted in cheers as if I'd just won a  race.

It might not have been as hard for those guys as it was for me. But it was hard, and I did it.

I'm a stay at home mom to three young kids. Just making time to go to the gym is hard.

Apparently just doing something hard is inspiring. Who knew.

Do Hard Things

One of my favorite blogs is a family blog called 71 Toes. They have nothing to do with Crossfit or weight loss. But they have a family 'rule' (theme?... philosophy) that rings true with me: Do Hard Things. From the moment I first read that, it fit. And I stole it. I use it with my kids. And I apply it to my life. It means take on the challenge and don't give up.

Do Hard Things.

Crossfit (or any exercise routine) would fall into that plan. Making time for it is always a challenge. Then there is the workout itself. Hard sometimes is too light a word.

And I think that's part of why I like it. It's hard. And when I've survived, I can't help but be proud of myself.

On another note: I would have made a hell of a lifter in high school. (I don't even know if my little high school had a lifting team.) But I really like lifting heavy things. And while I'm not a competitor yet, I know with more practice and training, I will be.

Lesson Learned: No breaks

Last week was busy. And by busy, I mean, I started reading the Hunger Games. I gave in and decided to find out what it was all about. So between parenting and reading, I didn't really make much time for anything else. You would think with a schedule like that, I'd manage to squeeze in some cleaning, considering we had guests coming Saturday. But I didn't. In the end, my husband saved the day there. He's a good man.

It didn't help that my fourth month old baby was having a nurse-athon. And was seriously moody. So between the book, the big kids, and the baby I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. I might should have dropped the book. But it's like a movie. I can't quit reading once I start, I need to know what's going to happen.

What I ended up dropping was Crossfit. Wednesday is my rest day. Tuesday night was when I started the first book. I powered through it and started book 2 Wednesday night. Thursday rolled around, time for Crossfit... except by then I was overwhelmed. I wasn't accomplishing what I wanted to around the house, half because of the kids, half because of my personal choices. It made me funky. And in the end, I told my husband, I just didn't want to go. I don't remember, but there was a good chance the WOD including running. That would make talking myself out of going a lot easier.

Where is all this going?

Fast forward to Monday. (Because if you've read this far, I should get to my point.) I went back to Crossfit. And O.M.G. I hurt today. Granted yesterday's WOD started with a Warm-up that was more accurately called the Work-Out before the Work-Out.

Now, if I'd been a good girl and hadn't take 5 days off, it would have still been hard, but it wouldn't have been the near death experience it was. (And continues to be because my muscles are really mad at me.) I wouldn't have been gasping for air and having to shake out my limbs after every round. Today, I feel like I've never done a squat before. Tomorrow threatens more due to delayed onset muscle soreness. Something I never even knew about before Crossfit, but have a close personal relationship with now.

And yet, I'm going back tonight. I don't know how I managed to talk myself out of it last week. As much as it sucks at the time, I love it. It's hard to explain. I'm not even sure I really could, but any other person that goes to Crossfit knows exactly what I'm talking about.

Drink Water!

You know that feeling when you've been outside in the hot summer sun. Maybe you've been gardening, running or just watching the kids play in the sprinkler. Whatever the reason. You head back inside to the crisp A/C and make yourself a tall glass of ice water and drink the whole thing before you walk away from the sink. Yeah, that feeling. Why is it that water tastes so good? Why can't water taste that good all the time?

I'm one of those people that generally likes water. Unlike my son, who would rather go thirsty, I have no problems drinking it. Sometimes, I order water at the restaurant because I want it, not because I'm broke. Then why is it so hard to drink it all the time? If I have other beverages available in the house, I'll always drink those first. Diet Dr Pepper is a weakness. But iced tea or coffee will work. Is it the caffeine?

I'm not convinced it's the caffeine. I wont deny I have an addiction. I suspect most of the globe does. But I generally keep my dosing low.

The fact is, I just don't drink that much to start with. One 20 oz bottle of soda will last me a whole morning. A same size glass of water will last longer. I just don't get to it. Maybe it goes back to my scheduling issues. I am a mother of 3 after all. I don't even get to go potty without someone hunting me down needing something.

As I write this, I have a cup of iced coffee that I made 6 hours ago sitting next to me that I haven't finished. Although, I have to admit, I'm one of those strange adults that isn't all that fussed about coffee. I'd rather have soda. (Which is why I'm having coffee, I quit buying soda so I wouldn't drink it as much.) But instead of finishing my cup for the morning caffeine, I've just sipped at it all day and I've never moved onto the water portion of my day.

So...

I'm going to try to drink more water. I've fessed up to my problem. It isn't just that I need to drink water, it's that I need to drink more fluids period. Water is cheap. It's clean. And it's good for me.

Never Give Up, Never Surrender

Today I did something I'm not proud of. I talked myself out of something before I even gave it a chance.

The Cash Out (the after work-out work-out) at Crossfit was a mile run. I don't run. I don't jog. I don't even walk fast if I can help it. It's not my thing. I've started the Couch to 5k program a handful of times over the years. I think at my best, I had a 12 minute mile. If you don't know, that's really really slow. Fit people walk faster than that.

I knew this was the Cash Out before I went. I'd already decided I'd bail on it if given the chance. I honestly had no plans to run a mile. And besides, half the time class runs late and the Cash Out gets blown over.

Not today. Today everyone lined up outside the box and off we went.

I failed before I started. I already had planned not to do it. But I started because everyone else did. I really did try to run as long as I could before I broke down to a walk. The whole time, though, I was telling myself how much I hate running and that I would never make it a mile.

You probably aren't surprised to find out, I didn't make it a mile.

And the moment I went back inside, saying "I didn't have it in me." I felt like an ass.

I gave up.

I didn't give it my all.

And if I didn't feel so lame already, I would have walked back out of that building and if I had to I should have walked my tired butt around that building until I had my mile. But pride wouldn't let me. I had already given my, "I didn't have it in me." story. I felt if I didn't stick with it, then I'd be an even bigger ass.

It was all a bunch of complicated mental nonsense. I talked myself out of doing my best. And man, am I disappointed.

No one else was disappointed in me. My Crossfit Affiliate is awesome. Everyone is so supportive. I'm a beginner. They know that, and the fact that I show up and give it a try gives me a lot of credit right now. I took advantage of that trust with my "I didn't have it in me." nonsense. Even now, I'd probably be told I'm being too hard on myself.

And I am.

But I'm writing this to remind myself later how lame I feel. I don't want to feel this way again. When I leave that box I want to feel like I left everything I have.

Next time I'll walk if I have to. Whatever it takes to do the tasks assigned to me. I might have scale down to the smallest possible action, but I wont give up again.

Whole 30 Starts Today

If I put it out there, I'm accountable, right?

The Whole 30 isn't so much a 'diet' as a set of food guidelines. It's just eating clean. You take out all the foods that are scientifically known to be harmful. When you stop to look at it, it only makes sense as the way we should all be eating. It just isn't what all those processed food makers throw at us through TV commercials and other flashy ads.

It isn't hard. At least not any more than keeping a clean house is hard. It's work. You have to think about it. Then you have to do it.

I know. I've done it before. I had great results. Weight loss, of course being the biggest deal to me. But also more energy, high self esteem, better quality sleep, and better moods (it makes a big difference during 'that week', ladies!).

So why didn't I stick with it?

Well, I can give you every excuse under the sun from pregnancy to moving across the country. But it comes down to lazy decisions. It's the same reason I have 4 laundry baskets full of clothes waiting to be folded. I thought, "Oh, I'll just let it slip this one time."

I'll just eat this fast food now because I'm hungry and didn't plan...

I wont eat the bun...

But I'll just have a couple fries...

Doing the Whole 30 is a way to get back on track. I can do anything for 30 days. 30 days isn't a long time.  But it is long enough to start making new habits.

And I'd really like to fit in my pre-baby clothes again. Also, my brother is getting married this summer. I'd like to recognize myself in the family pictures. Plus, the bonus of just being healthy.

It's time.

Personal Perception

Body image is something everyone thinks about at one time or another. Some people obsess over it. Some people just consider it. I generally end up in the middle. I look in the mirror and I like who I am. I don't think I'm hard to look at, but I always had that 'if I'd just lose weight I'd be pretty' thing in the back of my mind.

After my first baby, I finally had enough. I used a meal replacement program and lost 50 lbs in 9 months. I looked good. (I could have looked better, but all the same I was pretty damn proud.) It was the lowest weight I'd been at since my freshman year in college. It just so happened I discovered I was pregnant with #2 the same day I reached that 50 lb goal.

After baby #2, I took a lot longer to lose the weight. Coming off the restrictive meal replacement diet, I went a bit over board with the cravings and I managed to put it all back on and then some. As any mom knows, those first 15-20 lbs come off pretty quickly after the birth (seeing how a good portion is the baby). But for the life of me I couldn't recommit to the bar/shake diet.

Then I discovered the Primal lifestyle. It was the same principal as was taught with the meal replacement system. Green leafy veggies and good clean meat. I knew it worked. I wouldn't have to pay out the ear for those shakes and bars. And I learned something new: fats are good for you.

I wasn't back down to my fighting weight, but I was getting there when... I discovered I was pregnant with #3. (It's only kinda the truth. I was up a little bit from moving half way across the country. Stress eating and travel food does it every time.)

That's a long story to say, I know how to eat. I know how to eat right. And I know to lose weight.

And for some reason I'm having the worst time doing it this time around. It's that willpower thing, I suppose. But it hadn't really hit home until I saw a picture of myself.

O.M.G.

That was disappointing. I mean, I knew I was up. But I didn't realize I was THAT up. I know what my scale said, but every time I looked in the mirror I just glossed it over. After all, I could see my toes again (during pregnancy you forget you have them until they swell to twice their usual size). If I could see my toes, I must be back to my normal self. Wow, I was wrong.

So I saw this picture and I was embarrassed and ashamed. And it was taken at Crossfit, no less. All those fit and strong people see me looking that way every time I walk in the door. And even now when I think about it, I want to cry.

But...

I decided when I started Crossfit, I was going to own it. I own my weight. I own my abilities. And I own my perception. I was in some sort of denial about my condition before I saw that picture. But now I know and I can own it. I can change it. And now that I know, I will be able to see my accomplishments.

And my first goal is to get back to my previous 'before' pictures. When I took those pictures I didn't expect my weigh to go up before I could get it to go down. But I own it. And I'll do it.

Scheduling and Kids

I'm going to have to work on my schedule. There just doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day to do everything I want. My husband and I have decided to make Crossfit the top priority family activity. It looks like that means the kids wont be doing soccer this season. I'm conflicted because I want them to be able to play. But I also realize I need to make my own health important too. And being obese (man, I hate that word, but I'll own it) I have to come to terms with the fact that taking care of myself is taking care of my kids. And even though they don't get to do soccer, they do get to go to Crossfit Kids twice a week. And hang with their buddies during our class.

As for my schedule, I had to reschedule my second PT until yesterday. Boy, that delayed onset muscle soreness is a kick in the butt. Only it wasn't my butt that hurt so much as my thighs and abs. Good stuff. (Wait, that sounds like I copped out because of the pain. I rescheduled first, and my coach rescheduled twice. It was just time conflicts, not the muscle soreness.) If someone told me that I would hurt so bad that I wanted to shout profanities every time I sat down or stood up, and I'd still want to do it again, I wouldn't believe them. But then again, I have 3 kids so I guess that says something about my ability to forget about the pain. Plus, there is something so empowering about lifting something heavy, especially above your head. I never felt that way after a session on a treadmill that's for sure.

Future blog ideas: Eating Clean (and how my family goes through 3 dozen eggs in a week) and Why Do I think I need to go to the grocery store when I have a freezer full of meat and veggies in the fridge?

Back on the Wagon

Almost a year later. And I'm back at it. Monday I started at my local Crossfit box. I had my first Private Training. Part of me wonders if I'll remember any of it. Tuesday, I had my first class. I was a bit lucky because the WOD didn't require a skill. It was medicine ball slams with a 20m run. I gave it all I had. Wednesday was my rest day. And today I'll be back at it again with my second PT, I think. I need to talk to my coach. If I make it through this with 'Mommy brain', I'll be able to do anything in life. Let me tell you, the medicine ball slams were a ladder, I think I was 12 three times, but I'm not sure I did 13, so it kinda evens out.

This is a quick update. Stay tuned for my thoughts on Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness and a potential blog about the Survival of a Nursing Crossfitter (And why there is a local food storage).