Thursday, March 8, 2012

Personal Perception

Body image is something everyone thinks about at one time or another. Some people obsess over it. Some people just consider it. I generally end up in the middle. I look in the mirror and I like who I am. I don't think I'm hard to look at, but I always had that 'if I'd just lose weight I'd be pretty' thing in the back of my mind.

After my first baby, I finally had enough. I used a meal replacement program and lost 50 lbs in 9 months. I looked good. (I could have looked better, but all the same I was pretty damn proud.) It was the lowest weight I'd been at since my freshman year in college. It just so happened I discovered I was pregnant with #2 the same day I reached that 50 lb goal.

After baby #2, I took a lot longer to lose the weight. Coming off the restrictive meal replacement diet, I went a bit over board with the cravings and I managed to put it all back on and then some. As any mom knows, those first 15-20 lbs come off pretty quickly after the birth (seeing how a good portion is the baby). But for the life of me I couldn't recommit to the bar/shake diet.

Then I discovered the Primal lifestyle. It was the same principal as was taught with the meal replacement system. Green leafy veggies and good clean meat. I knew it worked. I wouldn't have to pay out the ear for those shakes and bars. And I learned something new: fats are good for you.

I wasn't back down to my fighting weight, but I was getting there when... I discovered I was pregnant with #3. (It's only kinda the truth. I was up a little bit from moving half way across the country. Stress eating and travel food does it every time.)

That's a long story to say, I know how to eat. I know how to eat right. And I know to lose weight.

And for some reason I'm having the worst time doing it this time around. It's that willpower thing, I suppose. But it hadn't really hit home until I saw a picture of myself.


That was disappointing. I mean, I knew I was up. But I didn't realize I was THAT up. I know what my scale said, but every time I looked in the mirror I just glossed it over. After all, I could see my toes again (during pregnancy you forget you have them until they swell to twice their usual size). If I could see my toes, I must be back to my normal self. Wow, I was wrong.

So I saw this picture and I was embarrassed and ashamed. And it was taken at Crossfit, no less. All those fit and strong people see me looking that way every time I walk in the door. And even now when I think about it, I want to cry.


I decided when I started Crossfit, I was going to own it. I own my weight. I own my abilities. And I own my perception. I was in some sort of denial about my condition before I saw that picture. But now I know and I can own it. I can change it. And now that I know, I will be able to see my accomplishments.

And my first goal is to get back to my previous 'before' pictures. When I took those pictures I didn't expect my weigh to go up before I could get it to go down. But I own it. And I'll do it.

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