Today I did something I'm not proud of. I talked myself out of something before I even gave it a chance.
The Cash Out (the after work-out work-out) at Crossfit was a mile run. I don't run. I don't jog. I don't even walk fast if I can help it. It's not my thing. I've started the Couch to 5k program a handful of times over the years. I think at my best, I had a 12 minute mile. If you don't know, that's really really slow. Fit people walk faster than that.
I knew this was the Cash Out before I went. I'd already decided I'd bail on it if given the chance. I honestly had no plans to run a mile. And besides, half the time class runs late and the Cash Out gets blown over.
Not today. Today everyone lined up outside the box and off we went.
I failed before I started. I already had planned not to do it. But I started because everyone else did. I really did try to run as long as I could before I broke down to a walk. The whole time, though, I was telling myself how much I hate running and that I would never make it a mile.
You probably aren't surprised to find out, I didn't make it a mile.
And the moment I went back inside, saying "I didn't have it in me." I felt like an ass.
I gave up.
I didn't give it my all.
And if I didn't feel so lame already, I would have walked back out of that building and if I had to I should have walked my tired butt around that building until I had my mile. But pride wouldn't let me. I had already given my, "I didn't have it in me." story. I felt if I didn't stick with it, then I'd be an even bigger ass.
It was all a bunch of complicated mental nonsense. I talked myself out of doing my best. And man, am I disappointed.
No one else was disappointed in me. My Crossfit Affiliate is awesome. Everyone is so supportive. I'm a beginner. They know that, and the fact that I show up and give it a try gives me a lot of credit right now. I took advantage of that trust with my "I didn't have it in me." nonsense. Even now, I'd probably be told I'm being too hard on myself.
And I am.
But I'm writing this to remind myself later how lame I feel. I don't want to feel this way again. When I leave that box I want to feel like I left everything I have.
Next time I'll walk if I have to. Whatever it takes to do the tasks assigned to me. I might have scale down to the smallest possible action, but I wont give up again.