Personal Perception

Body image is something everyone thinks about at one time or another. Some people obsess over it. Some people just consider it. I generally end up in the middle. I look in the mirror and I like who I am. I don't think I'm hard to look at, but I always had that 'if I'd just lose weight I'd be pretty' thing in the back of my mind.

After my first baby, I finally had enough. I used a meal replacement program and lost 50 lbs in 9 months. I looked good. (I could have looked better, but all the same I was pretty damn proud.) It was the lowest weight I'd been at since my freshman year in college. It just so happened I discovered I was pregnant with #2 the same day I reached that 50 lb goal.

After baby #2, I took a lot longer to lose the weight. Coming off the restrictive meal replacement diet, I went a bit over board with the cravings and I managed to put it all back on and then some. As any mom knows, those first 15-20 lbs come off pretty quickly after the birth (seeing how a good portion is the baby). But for the life of me I couldn't recommit to the bar/shake diet.

Then I discovered the Primal lifestyle. It was the same principal as was taught with the meal replacement system. Green leafy veggies and good clean meat. I knew it worked. I wouldn't have to pay out the ear for those shakes and bars. And I learned something new: fats are good for you.

I wasn't back down to my fighting weight, but I was getting there when... I discovered I was pregnant with #3. (It's only kinda the truth. I was up a little bit from moving half way across the country. Stress eating and travel food does it every time.)

That's a long story to say, I know how to eat. I know how to eat right. And I know to lose weight.

And for some reason I'm having the worst time doing it this time around. It's that willpower thing, I suppose. But it hadn't really hit home until I saw a picture of myself.

O.M.G.

That was disappointing. I mean, I knew I was up. But I didn't realize I was THAT up. I know what my scale said, but every time I looked in the mirror I just glossed it over. After all, I could see my toes again (during pregnancy you forget you have them until they swell to twice their usual size). If I could see my toes, I must be back to my normal self. Wow, I was wrong.

So I saw this picture and I was embarrassed and ashamed. And it was taken at Crossfit, no less. All those fit and strong people see me looking that way every time I walk in the door. And even now when I think about it, I want to cry.

But...

I decided when I started Crossfit, I was going to own it. I own my weight. I own my abilities. And I own my perception. I was in some sort of denial about my condition before I saw that picture. But now I know and I can own it. I can change it. And now that I know, I will be able to see my accomplishments.

And my first goal is to get back to my previous 'before' pictures. When I took those pictures I didn't expect my weigh to go up before I could get it to go down. But I own it. And I'll do it.

Scheduling and Kids

I'm going to have to work on my schedule. There just doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day to do everything I want. My husband and I have decided to make Crossfit the top priority family activity. It looks like that means the kids wont be doing soccer this season. I'm conflicted because I want them to be able to play. But I also realize I need to make my own health important too. And being obese (man, I hate that word, but I'll own it) I have to come to terms with the fact that taking care of myself is taking care of my kids. And even though they don't get to do soccer, they do get to go to Crossfit Kids twice a week. And hang with their buddies during our class.

As for my schedule, I had to reschedule my second PT until yesterday. Boy, that delayed onset muscle soreness is a kick in the butt. Only it wasn't my butt that hurt so much as my thighs and abs. Good stuff. (Wait, that sounds like I copped out because of the pain. I rescheduled first, and my coach rescheduled twice. It was just time conflicts, not the muscle soreness.) If someone told me that I would hurt so bad that I wanted to shout profanities every time I sat down or stood up, and I'd still want to do it again, I wouldn't believe them. But then again, I have 3 kids so I guess that says something about my ability to forget about the pain. Plus, there is something so empowering about lifting something heavy, especially above your head. I never felt that way after a session on a treadmill that's for sure.

Future blog ideas: Eating Clean (and how my family goes through 3 dozen eggs in a week) and Why Do I think I need to go to the grocery store when I have a freezer full of meat and veggies in the fridge?

Back on the Wagon

Almost a year later. And I'm back at it. Monday I started at my local Crossfit box. I had my first Private Training. Part of me wonders if I'll remember any of it. Tuesday, I had my first class. I was a bit lucky because the WOD didn't require a skill. It was medicine ball slams with a 20m run. I gave it all I had. Wednesday was my rest day. And today I'll be back at it again with my second PT, I think. I need to talk to my coach. If I make it through this with 'Mommy brain', I'll be able to do anything in life. Let me tell you, the medicine ball slams were a ladder, I think I was 12 three times, but I'm not sure I did 13, so it kinda evens out.

This is a quick update. Stay tuned for my thoughts on Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness and a potential blog about the Survival of a Nursing Crossfitter (And why there is a local food storage).

Pregnant!

So my pregnant brain forgot to tell you all. I haven't been regularly posting because SURPRISE I'm pregnant. I thought for sure I said something before. Well, that's part of being pregnant. If that was the worst thing I forgot in the past few weeks... well, I wouldn't remember if it was or not.

It wasn't really my plan. Oh, I wanted more kids. But I certainly wanted to be a lot smaller, a lot stronger, and a lot further down this road than I am. Considering I'm barely passed the starting line. But there are resources.

Paleo is the PERFECT pregnancy diet. Having had gestational diabetes with my first pregnancy, I had to go to all kinds of nutritional classes. Well, one class, lots of doctor reminders. My carbs allowance that pregnancy was:
Breakfast: 30 carbs
Snack: 15 carbs
Lunch: 60 carbs
Snack: 30 carbs
Dinner: 60 carbs
And I think there was another snack involved.

Good grief, who eats that much?! Did you know you can still manage a sandwich and Cheetos on that carbs limit? Yeah, the things you do when you are working the system.

But I did learn all about steak and greens for dinner. And my previous extra well done steak got more and more raw as the pregnancy went along. (Strange cravings, anyone?) I never felt better than when I had that meal. Stuffed to the gills. And my blood sugar loved it.

I didn't gain any weight after that diagnosis. In fact, I lost 3 pounds. (I had it to lose.)

Then after my baby was born, I went on to lose 50 lbs.

Slow Going

I've been miserable this pregnancy. If I went by how I feel alone, I would think new baby is a girl. Good grief between my skin and my nausea, they'd said it's the girl being spiteful. Or whatever the wives-tale is. But we are getting there. I've moved onto the second trimester. And I've even stopped by the local Crossfit box for my first intro lesson.

I died! My legs were wobbly for hours. And hurt for days.

No, I didn't over do it. Babies have had active moms for thousands of years. I can't image 1930s farmwife sitting on her ass with the pregnant excuse of not over doing it when there was cows to be milked, crops to be planted and other children to be raised. I certainly can't imagine Grok's wife sitting around playing helpless.

So pregnancy is not an excuse to sit on your ass. ... And yet, I still use it when I can get away with it. I also use it as an excuse to eat badly.

HOW? I can read your mind. I know some of you thought it.  It's not as hard as it sounds. Especially when someone mentions fries. Particularly waffle fries. Oh how baby intensifies those cravings.

But I recognize what's going on. I know the steps I need to take. Which I think is a huge step from my first pregnancy, where I ate Poptarts everyday (sometimes twice). Although, I did have a HUGE life lesson that pregnancy about my weight. I also had gestational diabetes. So I learned a lot about carbs and what they do to your body and why, contrary to conventional wisdom, we don't need them to survive. Certainly not in the quantity most Americans think is okay.

Anyway, I'm starting to ramble. Point is. I'm getting there. You don't have to start perfect to get to the right place. I continue to eat less grains and less sugar. And I'm still moving more than I was.

My goals: Eat no gluten grains, Move more.

On Pause

I thought I'd let you know I'm still here. I'm still working on it. We've moved into our new house. Most of the boxes are unpacked. The grocery stores have been scouted. And my husband has joined the local Crossfit.

Yes that says husband. There are some new factors to consider on my enrollment. $$ is one. At least until our other house sells. I can see you thinking, why does the husband get a membership if I don't. Well, his company pays for him a gym membership. LUCKY!

So exercise is on hold, well not exercise, but Crossfit.

In the meantime, I'm working on my diet. Cutting out grains is a b*tch for a girl that is a comfort eater. Especially during a move. Especially now that she lives oh so close to a Five Guys. Oh Lord Above is Five Guys tasty.

But I'm working on it. I didn't gain any weight during the move. Which I have to say I'm proud of.

Not up for the challenge?

Hardly. But my blogging is going very slow because I'm gearing up to move my family half way across the country next week. I'll be back for sure by April with updates. I'm actually very excited because there will be a Crossfit nearby. I've never even been in a box. I'm looking forward to finding other people that understand Paleo.

In the meantime, here is my before pictures. Ouch. (My goal is to lose 50 lbs. I'm currently 30 lbs down from my heaviest. And 20 lbs up from my pre-last baby weight.)

I made sure to do it properly. No make-up. My hair isn't styled. I'm slouching a bit. And it's really bad lighting. OH! And don't forget the door. Before pictures always have to be in front of a door. I have no idea why.