Lesson Learned: No breaks

Last week was busy. And by busy, I mean, I started reading the Hunger Games. I gave in and decided to find out what it was all about. So between parenting and reading, I didn't really make much time for anything else. You would think with a schedule like that, I'd manage to squeeze in some cleaning, considering we had guests coming Saturday. But I didn't. In the end, my husband saved the day there. He's a good man.

It didn't help that my fourth month old baby was having a nurse-athon. And was seriously moody. So between the book, the big kids, and the baby I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. I might should have dropped the book. But it's like a movie. I can't quit reading once I start, I need to know what's going to happen.

What I ended up dropping was Crossfit. Wednesday is my rest day. Tuesday night was when I started the first book. I powered through it and started book 2 Wednesday night. Thursday rolled around, time for Crossfit... except by then I was overwhelmed. I wasn't accomplishing what I wanted to around the house, half because of the kids, half because of my personal choices. It made me funky. And in the end, I told my husband, I just didn't want to go. I don't remember, but there was a good chance the WOD including running. That would make talking myself out of going a lot easier.

Where is all this going?

Fast forward to Monday. (Because if you've read this far, I should get to my point.) I went back to Crossfit. And O.M.G. I hurt today. Granted yesterday's WOD started with a Warm-up that was more accurately called the Work-Out before the Work-Out.

Now, if I'd been a good girl and hadn't take 5 days off, it would have still been hard, but it wouldn't have been the near death experience it was. (And continues to be because my muscles are really mad at me.) I wouldn't have been gasping for air and having to shake out my limbs after every round. Today, I feel like I've never done a squat before. Tomorrow threatens more due to delayed onset muscle soreness. Something I never even knew about before Crossfit, but have a close personal relationship with now.

And yet, I'm going back tonight. I don't know how I managed to talk myself out of it last week. As much as it sucks at the time, I love it. It's hard to explain. I'm not even sure I really could, but any other person that goes to Crossfit knows exactly what I'm talking about.

Drink Water!

You know that feeling when you've been outside in the hot summer sun. Maybe you've been gardening, running or just watching the kids play in the sprinkler. Whatever the reason. You head back inside to the crisp A/C and make yourself a tall glass of ice water and drink the whole thing before you walk away from the sink. Yeah, that feeling. Why is it that water tastes so good? Why can't water taste that good all the time?

I'm one of those people that generally likes water. Unlike my son, who would rather go thirsty, I have no problems drinking it. Sometimes, I order water at the restaurant because I want it, not because I'm broke. Then why is it so hard to drink it all the time? If I have other beverages available in the house, I'll always drink those first. Diet Dr Pepper is a weakness. But iced tea or coffee will work. Is it the caffeine?

I'm not convinced it's the caffeine. I wont deny I have an addiction. I suspect most of the globe does. But I generally keep my dosing low.

The fact is, I just don't drink that much to start with. One 20 oz bottle of soda will last me a whole morning. A same size glass of water will last longer. I just don't get to it. Maybe it goes back to my scheduling issues. I am a mother of 3 after all. I don't even get to go potty without someone hunting me down needing something.

As I write this, I have a cup of iced coffee that I made 6 hours ago sitting next to me that I haven't finished. Although, I have to admit, I'm one of those strange adults that isn't all that fussed about coffee. I'd rather have soda. (Which is why I'm having coffee, I quit buying soda so I wouldn't drink it as much.) But instead of finishing my cup for the morning caffeine, I've just sipped at it all day and I've never moved onto the water portion of my day.

So...

I'm going to try to drink more water. I've fessed up to my problem. It isn't just that I need to drink water, it's that I need to drink more fluids period. Water is cheap. It's clean. And it's good for me.

Never Give Up, Never Surrender

Today I did something I'm not proud of. I talked myself out of something before I even gave it a chance.

The Cash Out (the after work-out work-out) at Crossfit was a mile run. I don't run. I don't jog. I don't even walk fast if I can help it. It's not my thing. I've started the Couch to 5k program a handful of times over the years. I think at my best, I had a 12 minute mile. If you don't know, that's really really slow. Fit people walk faster than that.

I knew this was the Cash Out before I went. I'd already decided I'd bail on it if given the chance. I honestly had no plans to run a mile. And besides, half the time class runs late and the Cash Out gets blown over.

Not today. Today everyone lined up outside the box and off we went.

I failed before I started. I already had planned not to do it. But I started because everyone else did. I really did try to run as long as I could before I broke down to a walk. The whole time, though, I was telling myself how much I hate running and that I would never make it a mile.

You probably aren't surprised to find out, I didn't make it a mile.

And the moment I went back inside, saying "I didn't have it in me." I felt like an ass.

I gave up.

I didn't give it my all.

And if I didn't feel so lame already, I would have walked back out of that building and if I had to I should have walked my tired butt around that building until I had my mile. But pride wouldn't let me. I had already given my, "I didn't have it in me." story. I felt if I didn't stick with it, then I'd be an even bigger ass.

It was all a bunch of complicated mental nonsense. I talked myself out of doing my best. And man, am I disappointed.

No one else was disappointed in me. My Crossfit Affiliate is awesome. Everyone is so supportive. I'm a beginner. They know that, and the fact that I show up and give it a try gives me a lot of credit right now. I took advantage of that trust with my "I didn't have it in me." nonsense. Even now, I'd probably be told I'm being too hard on myself.

And I am.

But I'm writing this to remind myself later how lame I feel. I don't want to feel this way again. When I leave that box I want to feel like I left everything I have.

Next time I'll walk if I have to. Whatever it takes to do the tasks assigned to me. I might have scale down to the smallest possible action, but I wont give up again.

Whole 30 Starts Today

If I put it out there, I'm accountable, right?

The Whole 30 isn't so much a 'diet' as a set of food guidelines. It's just eating clean. You take out all the foods that are scientifically known to be harmful. When you stop to look at it, it only makes sense as the way we should all be eating. It just isn't what all those processed food makers throw at us through TV commercials and other flashy ads.

It isn't hard. At least not any more than keeping a clean house is hard. It's work. You have to think about it. Then you have to do it.

I know. I've done it before. I had great results. Weight loss, of course being the biggest deal to me. But also more energy, high self esteem, better quality sleep, and better moods (it makes a big difference during 'that week', ladies!).

So why didn't I stick with it?

Well, I can give you every excuse under the sun from pregnancy to moving across the country. But it comes down to lazy decisions. It's the same reason I have 4 laundry baskets full of clothes waiting to be folded. I thought, "Oh, I'll just let it slip this one time."

I'll just eat this fast food now because I'm hungry and didn't plan...

I wont eat the bun...

But I'll just have a couple fries...

Doing the Whole 30 is a way to get back on track. I can do anything for 30 days. 30 days isn't a long time.  But it is long enough to start making new habits.

And I'd really like to fit in my pre-baby clothes again. Also, my brother is getting married this summer. I'd like to recognize myself in the family pictures. Plus, the bonus of just being healthy.

It's time.

Personal Perception

Body image is something everyone thinks about at one time or another. Some people obsess over it. Some people just consider it. I generally end up in the middle. I look in the mirror and I like who I am. I don't think I'm hard to look at, but I always had that 'if I'd just lose weight I'd be pretty' thing in the back of my mind.

After my first baby, I finally had enough. I used a meal replacement program and lost 50 lbs in 9 months. I looked good. (I could have looked better, but all the same I was pretty damn proud.) It was the lowest weight I'd been at since my freshman year in college. It just so happened I discovered I was pregnant with #2 the same day I reached that 50 lb goal.

After baby #2, I took a lot longer to lose the weight. Coming off the restrictive meal replacement diet, I went a bit over board with the cravings and I managed to put it all back on and then some. As any mom knows, those first 15-20 lbs come off pretty quickly after the birth (seeing how a good portion is the baby). But for the life of me I couldn't recommit to the bar/shake diet.

Then I discovered the Primal lifestyle. It was the same principal as was taught with the meal replacement system. Green leafy veggies and good clean meat. I knew it worked. I wouldn't have to pay out the ear for those shakes and bars. And I learned something new: fats are good for you.

I wasn't back down to my fighting weight, but I was getting there when... I discovered I was pregnant with #3. (It's only kinda the truth. I was up a little bit from moving half way across the country. Stress eating and travel food does it every time.)

That's a long story to say, I know how to eat. I know how to eat right. And I know to lose weight.

And for some reason I'm having the worst time doing it this time around. It's that willpower thing, I suppose. But it hadn't really hit home until I saw a picture of myself.

O.M.G.

That was disappointing. I mean, I knew I was up. But I didn't realize I was THAT up. I know what my scale said, but every time I looked in the mirror I just glossed it over. After all, I could see my toes again (during pregnancy you forget you have them until they swell to twice their usual size). If I could see my toes, I must be back to my normal self. Wow, I was wrong.

So I saw this picture and I was embarrassed and ashamed. And it was taken at Crossfit, no less. All those fit and strong people see me looking that way every time I walk in the door. And even now when I think about it, I want to cry.

But...

I decided when I started Crossfit, I was going to own it. I own my weight. I own my abilities. And I own my perception. I was in some sort of denial about my condition before I saw that picture. But now I know and I can own it. I can change it. And now that I know, I will be able to see my accomplishments.

And my first goal is to get back to my previous 'before' pictures. When I took those pictures I didn't expect my weigh to go up before I could get it to go down. But I own it. And I'll do it.

Scheduling and Kids

I'm going to have to work on my schedule. There just doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day to do everything I want. My husband and I have decided to make Crossfit the top priority family activity. It looks like that means the kids wont be doing soccer this season. I'm conflicted because I want them to be able to play. But I also realize I need to make my own health important too. And being obese (man, I hate that word, but I'll own it) I have to come to terms with the fact that taking care of myself is taking care of my kids. And even though they don't get to do soccer, they do get to go to Crossfit Kids twice a week. And hang with their buddies during our class.

As for my schedule, I had to reschedule my second PT until yesterday. Boy, that delayed onset muscle soreness is a kick in the butt. Only it wasn't my butt that hurt so much as my thighs and abs. Good stuff. (Wait, that sounds like I copped out because of the pain. I rescheduled first, and my coach rescheduled twice. It was just time conflicts, not the muscle soreness.) If someone told me that I would hurt so bad that I wanted to shout profanities every time I sat down or stood up, and I'd still want to do it again, I wouldn't believe them. But then again, I have 3 kids so I guess that says something about my ability to forget about the pain. Plus, there is something so empowering about lifting something heavy, especially above your head. I never felt that way after a session on a treadmill that's for sure.

Future blog ideas: Eating Clean (and how my family goes through 3 dozen eggs in a week) and Why Do I think I need to go to the grocery store when I have a freezer full of meat and veggies in the fridge?

Back on the Wagon

Almost a year later. And I'm back at it. Monday I started at my local Crossfit box. I had my first Private Training. Part of me wonders if I'll remember any of it. Tuesday, I had my first class. I was a bit lucky because the WOD didn't require a skill. It was medicine ball slams with a 20m run. I gave it all I had. Wednesday was my rest day. And today I'll be back at it again with my second PT, I think. I need to talk to my coach. If I make it through this with 'Mommy brain', I'll be able to do anything in life. Let me tell you, the medicine ball slams were a ladder, I think I was 12 three times, but I'm not sure I did 13, so it kinda evens out.

This is a quick update. Stay tuned for my thoughts on Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness and a potential blog about the Survival of a Nursing Crossfitter (And why there is a local food storage).